This Post is Only Three Kinds of Awkward.

"Thats seven different kinds of awkward right there"
If you have been fortunate (or unfortunate...) enough to hang around me for any extended period of time, you have probably heard me utter this phrase a time or two. Now, to some it might seen to be a slightly chuckle-worthy statement, to others a dry, antiquated, tired old aphorism. But what most don't know is that there actually are seven different kinds of awkward. I know... because I created them.

In no real logical order, here they are:

1. The Clothing Faux Pas:
Also known as the "wardrobe malfunction". Something (usually the pant's crotch seam) rips at a very critical moment
   Sub-levels include:
    -mom-jeans
    -The denim jumper
    -"high water" jeans
    -Any Christmas sweater from gramma's closet
    -Dudes with Chihuahuas.
       -Bonus points if it has any article of clothing. More bonus points if that clothing item is pink.
    -The zipper down in public
    -The peeing (or pooping) of the pants in public (or even private)
    -Pit stains

2. The Bodily Noise
    -The fart in the elevator (or any enclosed space)
    -The "intestinal rumble" when you hold it in (YOU know what I'm talking about)
    -Passing gas in an empty store isle...only to have some random woman appear out of nowhere and start walking down the isle. She knows its you.
    -Coughing repeatedly on an airplane
    -Laughing and farting. everyone stops for just a second to look...but non one says anything.
   

3. Nakedness.
    -Any kind, any time, anywhere in public...and many private places too. It just deserves its own category.
    Sub-Level: The Baby Album
     -The naked bathtub pics

     -That picture with you're parent's best friend's child of the opposite gender whom they arranged your marriage to at age -7 months when they both found out they were pregnant, whom you never see anymore but there are many photos of you two dressed up together,  in the tub together or fake kissing...or whatever your sadistic, sick parents thought up. 

    -Some "clothing faux pas" can end up in this category as well. 

    - Dreams totally count 

4. Parents (needisaymore?)
    This level usually occurs in restaurants or at weddings.
This level can also include all incidents with family members and authority figures:  
    -Traffic stops
    -Arrests
    -Crazy bosses
    -Aunts, Uncles...grandparents
(the list is more specific the closer to Kentucky and West Virginia you are)
 
5. Children.
My poor parents. Seriously. I was the most awkward child ever.
This is really rather self-explanatory. Moving on...

6. Vocal Faux Pas:
   -eg.: "When is the baby due?" -"I'm not pregnant"
Sub level: The "Word Fuse"

   -eg.: "Bud" and "Dude" = "Bood"

         - My favorite: "frick" and "suck". do the math. 

   -Also Includes:
      -That awkward moment at the end of a voicemail where you have talked yourself out of things to say but haven't figured out how to sign off yet...yeah...     
      -Making fat jokes when a large person is standing behind you
      -Loud child screaming "MOM! WHY IS THAT LADY SO FAT?"
        -Extra awk points if its your child  (Awk points exist too. We can discuss them in later post)
      -"Oh, hey so how is (insert bf/gf name here)?" "We're not dating anymore"
      - Also the mention of some party or event where you find out they're not invited. Or worse: the other way around.

      -That moment you make fun of some art work, picture, poster, web design...etc, then the person next to you says "oh, i painted that"

"......dude...its awesome, i was just...you know...joking..." *exit stage left*

    Also includes:

      - Those ill-timed jokes where one kid is like...."....my dad died from that"

      - That moment you realize that the person you're talking about is standing right behind you.

7.  Innocently entering a room where mom and dad (or anyone else) are "wrestling"
No explanation necessary (or wanted). It deserves its own broad, unexplained category.


So, you see...it really is a true list system. So far I can pretty much locate all awkward situations somewhere on this list in some form or another. Granted, someone could come up with some crazy situation from outer Mongolia that involves a medicine man, a prop plane, several naked villagers and a cow pie...but that is a remote possibility.

But just think about how crazy something would have to be in order to be declared "all seven different kinds of awkward"....that would be like a guy wearing mom pants, running from his parent's room into an elevator while vomiting in revulsion, carrying a chiuahua wearing a pink christmas sweater, farting in the elevator, saying "sorry bood", dropping a picture of himself as a naked baby in the bathtub as he hurriedly exits into an art gallery where he mocks a painting of what he thinks is a pregnant women only to have the very un-pregnant artist standing right behind him inform him that it's a self-portrait, he then rips his pants as he attempts to make (another) quick getaway; the art patrons laugh at him, he whimpers, "your mom", a delicate lady in the corner begins to sob uncontrollably because her mother died after falling in an art gallery, he is then arrested for public indecency.

That would just be crazy.
...and really, really awkward